Ascetic
by Nakaia Aidan-Sun
Summary: (COMPLETE) This story is about the part of Spot that nobody knows about. . . yet. “I’m not afraid of what’s going to happen to me, Race. I’m afraid that I might hurt you; I don’t want to see you cry Race. Never again, because...” SLASH (SpotRa
1. Prolouge: Church

A/N: This is dedicated to a very close friend of mine, who if she is reading it she can probably guess that it's for her. To this friend I have to say stop cutting, it's not worth it! I might seem like you are happy and free when you are doing it, but your not. You'll become a slave to it. I know, because I've seen it happen a lot.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
Ascetic  
  
Prologue:  
  
For as long as I've been a Newsie, Race has gone to church every Sunday. I never asked him why, because it was just how he was. Until one day he asked me to come with him.  
  
He was explaining how the wine was supposed to be Jesus' blood. I don't know who this Jesus is, but he sure has thin blood. So, of course I had to bring this up.  
  
"Race, isn't that too thin to be blood?" I asked.  
  
He smiled, "Ya know Spot, it's sure is obvious that you've never been to church before."  
  
I smiled back, unable to take my mind off of the wine, which was supposed to be blood.  
  
I returned to Brooklyn later that day, and pulled out a knife gently cutting my skin. The blood began to flow out of it easily, but it wasn't that thin.  
  
Even though it wasn't as thin as that guys blood that we were supposed to drink, and for your information it didn't taste as good either, it kinda felt light. It was like I was free as I was bleeding, and all of my pain was gone.  
  
That was my first time cutting, and I promise you that it was not my last. The next Sunday, Race invited me to go to church with him, I didn't. He said that it could help me forget about all my problems. So, I guess that if I go by what he told me, that I can consider cutting my church.  
  
A/N: Sorry that that was so short, I promise that the rest of the chapters will be a lot longer. 


	2. Chapter 1: Alan, Spot, listen to me

Ascetic  
  
Chapter 1:  
  
It's been almost three weeks since I went to church with Race. My knife is my new best friend. It really helps a lot because now I don't have to find other ways to get rid of my built up emotions. My newsies have no idea what's going on, and I doubt they ever will. I won't let them. After all I'm Spot Conlon. And Spot Conlon is the very embodiment of willpower and self-control.  
  
Or at least that's what everyone has to believe.  
  
I'm starting to think that Race is on to me, because he has been coming over everyday. He always seems to be asking me if I'm okay. But I can never tell him. He's like a brother to me, although he will never find this out. He may have tried to share his way of overcoming his feelings...but I guess I was more selfish then he is. I'm going to keep this one to myself.  
  
I went to grab my friend from under my mattress; after all I didn't want to keep my bloody knife where someone could find it easily.  
  
I carefully smiled as I put it up...but someone knocked on the door. I silently placed it back in its special spot and went over to the door and slide it open. It was Race and he was smiling at me.  
  
I quickly put on my fake I'm-so-happy-that-I-swear-I'm-going-crazy smile. He quickly walked in and pushed the door close.  
  
I looked into his eyes; I could tell that he was worried. "Hey Race, what's up?" I asked.  
  
"What have you been up to?" He asked, his smile was now gone.  
  
"Nothing Race. I was just practicing my religion." I smiled again, he didn't.  
  
"Alan, I know that you're doing something." I shuddered at his use of my real name. I swear that he is the ONLY one that could get away with calling me that. But then again I'm a great actor, so I don't have to worry about him finding out how much I hate my name.  
  
My forced smile disappeared and my usual smirk returned, "So, what gave me away?"  
  
I looked into Race's eyes. The pity I found there was almost sickening. "You've started smiling."  
  
I quickly shook my head, "So?"  
  
The pity in Race's eyes grew, "I've known ya since you came to Ellis Island, Spot. And until that Monday after you came to church with me, I never saw you smile. Ever."  
  
I tried to force my smile back; it was worth a try, even if it wasn't fooling him. "Maybe I've just had a change of heart."  
  
Race shook his head again, "Spot, Ya know dat I think of you like my brother right?"  
  
Whoa, I wasn't expecting that. I forced my smile to grow, "Nah, but I did know that you loved Brooklyn more den ya love Manhattan."  
  
He looked as though he was about to laugh, but it didn't come out. "Hey, I never said that."  
  
"Yeah, but think about it. You spend most of yer time here. I mean heck, Sheepshead is here, and since you took me to church you've been coming over everyday."  
  
"Yeah...but ya know my church is in Manhattan..." Race said looking down at the floor now.  
  
I guess that's another thing to be happy for. I can cut myself anywhere, so I don't have to wait until Sundays. "So, why don't cha just move to Brooklyn? I mean you may as well."  
  
Race looked up and glared at me, "Stop changing the subject."  
  
"But Tony, I have no idea whatever you are talking about." I mocked as he continued to glare at me. Once again I am so thankful that I am Spot Conlon...  
  
"Alan...Spot, listen to me. Whether you like to admit it or not, there's a lot of people that care a lot about you." Race looked over to me.  
  
I smiled at him. But something was different about this smile, but I don't know what it was. "Listen, Race, I know that some of you care about me, but listen, I don't need people to care about me. I can take care of myself."  
  
Race shook his head before turning around and opening the door, "Just don't do anything I won't do Spot."  
  
As soon as he shut the door, I pretty much flew to my bed and ripped off the mattress grabbing onto my knife. For some reason my conversation with Race made me want it even more.  
  
I took off my shirt and began to push the blade down on the back of my left forearm. It was right in the middle of two other ones. One of which was my first. I always cut myself on the back tanned part of my arm, because I just had a feeling that it wasn't safe to do it on the other side...yet anyway.  
  
As soon as the blood started to flow out I heard a knock on the door again.  
  
What the hell does Race want this time, I thought angrily as I pulled on my shirt and placed the knife in my pocket. I opened the door.  
  
Race was there again.  
  
"What the Hell do you want now Higgins?" I spat. I didn't like to be stopped when I was in the middle of a cycle.  
  
Race quickly looked at the growing red stain on my left arm. "Spot, what did you do?"  
  
I looked to the ground, for some reason I could decide whether I was proud of the blood or ashamed. I didn't know what to tell him; after all I wasn't planning on getting caught.  
  
I looked him in the eyes, expecting to see the pity return, but instead they looked as if I had betrayed him. Race may have had a damn good poker face, but his eyes always gave away his feelings.  
  
"I...I...cut myself." I whispered, stuttering like a two year-old who had just been caught stealing a cookie.  
  
Race looked at me again, "Give me the knife, Spot."  
  
WHAT? He wanted to take away my knife? My only true good friend.  
  
"No." I said flat out as I pulled it out of my pocket and began to back away.  
  
"Please Spot, I really don't want to see you get hurt." Race's eyes began to tear. I wanted to believe him. God knows I wanted to. But my mind couldn't get my mind off of the knife that was now in my hand once more. All I wanted to do was bleed, and all that was going thru my head was the fact that he wasn't letting me do that.  
  
"If you don't want to see me get hurt then leave." I spat.  
  
He shook his head as he jumped forward and grabbed the knife out of my hand.  
  
"Give that back Higgins." I yelled.  
  
Race shook his head, "No, I told you, I don't want to see you get hurt."  
  
I glared at him, "You know I can take care of myself, Higgins."  
  
He looked up at me, his eyes and face filled with concern, "I know that you can Spot." He paused. I placed out my hand for the knife. "But I don't think that you care anymore, Spot. If you aren't going to watch out for yourself, I will watch out for you."  
  
I glared at him once more. Trust me, if this had been anyone but Race, I would have my knife back by now. "Why don't you ever listen to me?"  
  
Race tried to force a smile, "Well, I guess I will listen to you when it comes to one comment that you made today."  
  
I smiled and placed my hand out again.  
  
He looked at it and placed the knife in his pocket. "I meant the one about me being in Brooklyn so much that I may as well live here."  
  
I looked at him confused. "What do you mean?"  
  
He grinned at me, "How mad do you think Jack would be if I became a Brooklyn Newsie?"  
  
My jaw dropped, if he became one of my boys, he might tell the others.  
  
I guess he could tell the worry that passed thru my head, because he smiled and placed his hand on mine. "Don't worry Spot, I won't tell any of your boys...I just want to make sure that you don't do anything that you might regret."  
  
A/N: Whoa...that's so serious...it's starting to scare me. Well, I hope you all enjoyed it...well, now onto Shout Outs...but first my muses want to talk.  
  
Racey!Muse: ::doing the parakeet type of head bop:: I'm one great friend aren't I, Spot?  
  
Spot!Muse: I don't know, I'm just happy that she didn't make my name Jolyon this time.  
  
Racey!Muse: If you want she can probably change that easily...  
  
Spot!Muse: On second thought...I'm just happy she hasn't killed me.  
  
Itey!Muse: ::upset over not being in the fic:: Just shut up and let her do shout outs...  
  
Spot!Muse and Racey!Muse: Alright, now time for shout outs!  
  
Shout Outs:  
  
Gryffin Parker~ Hehe, you know how it is with authors don't ya? We (or at least I) always write about the subjects that I have to live with all the time. I never write about things that I am completely lost about...besides of course romance and slash...and truth or dare. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
  
TheLoneReed~ Well, I don't think its really that unique of a subject anymore. But ya know I'm trying to help my friend. But hopefully I will be able to help her and myself. I really hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
  
shinigami nanoda~ Wow, I guess it's true then, you know one out of every ten teenagers is a cutter, like me and my friend. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter...but it's going to be kinda a really depressing story, because I have to get the point across.  
  
Dreamer Conlon~ Thanks for the review. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
  
Saturday~ I know! I was asking my muses what the hell it was that I was having Spot do. But ya know, it makes sense...because he has to have some way to get rid of his emotions, since he doesn't show them that often in the movie...I dunno, I guess it just makes sense for him to do it, ya know.  
  
SpecsGlasses~ Danielle (Chip) is trying to give me pink eye! But have no fear; I shall update some fics anyway. I really really hope that you liked this chapter. :'( I know what you mean poor poor baby. But you know he is the perfect character to do it.but then again I might just see some of the symptoms in him because of some certain reasons... Well, thanks for the review. SHE'S TRYING TO GIVE MY TEDDY BEAR PINK EYE!!!! (hey, do you want to write a fic together?)  
  
Rannoch~ You reviewed on my fuckin' birthday. Remember when we were having fun swearing...you need to think about that when you get the urge, ya know. So, do you want to help me with the next chapter?? I know that I can do it by myself...but right now I'm kinda at the point of lets say "exploring" the great depths...if you get my innuendo...if you don't ask me about it. Thanks for reviewing my stupid fucking shithead Canadian Doll-face.  
  
Plaidly Lush~ Okay, Okay, I'll update that freakin' fic once I get this one up, but only because everyone has been telling me too. Thanks for the review.  
  
A/N: Thank all of you for reviewing, and please do it again. Oh, and what do you guys think about this becoming slash (Spot/Race) because I'm starting to think that I'm obsessed with slash. 


	3. Chapter 2: I am nothing

_A/N: This chapter really sets this story away from all my other works to date. I'm really sorry that I hadn't update for a while, but I was working on something else. Well, I hope you enjoy it. (And realize that it's kind of slash)_  
  
**Ascetic**  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
It's been almost an entire week since I last had a 'religious' experience, yet Race is still babying me. I hate to admit it but I'm kind of starting to enjoy being the center of his universe. Although, it feels really nice to have Race with me, another part of me wants to kill him for all that he's done to me, for taking away my knife, but mostly for making me have to deal with the all the stress and emotional pains of life.  
  
"Spot?" Race's voice forces me out of my current state of mind.  
  
"What is it now? Am I not allowed to breath because I might get sick?" I spat out.  
  
Race looked at me hurt and I felt kinda sorry for yelling at him, but it was true, I hurt myself just as much breathing as I do cutting.  
  
"It's nothing really Spot. It's just that it's Sunday and I'm going to church." Race whispered.  
  
"So, I guess that means I have to go and get mocked by that Jesus guy's blood right?" I said, not meaning to be mean, but I guess it's just how I feel.  
  
"No, I think I should try trusting you to be alone after all you haven't even tried to cut for at least a weeks, right?" Race said as he started playing with his bow tie.  
  
"Hey Race, how 'bout I walk you as far as the café next to the bridge, eh? After all I'm a growing boy right?" I tried to smile. You know I'm really not THAT bad of a guy.  
  
Race put on a smile, which I could tell was forced. "You know Spot, when you smile like that it doesn't help me with believing you're not up to something."  
  
I tried to look hurt, but he was right. I never smile unless I'm up to something...the only problem is that I don't know what I'm up to yet... Maybe I just don't want him to leave me by myself. Maybe I, Spot Conlon, am afraid to be alone.  
  
Race sighed, "Oh well, I have to cut the apron strings sometime right?"  
  
I had to laugh, "Apron strings? More like a ball and chain!"  
  
Race's forced smile turned into a real one, "I haven't been that bad have I?"  
  
I nodded, "Come on, you don't wanna be late and miss the tasty blood, right?"  
  
Race and I quickly walked out of the lodging house. We talked about just about everything on that walk, everything that is besides my 'problem' as Race puts it. We arrived at the café shortly before noon.  
  
Race smiled at me and grabbed my left hand , forcing me to face him, "Spot, be carful, okay?"  
  
I smiled at him, "Why are you so kind to me? I mean I don't even care that much about me."  
  
Race looked down at the ground as a bit of red filled his cheeks, "You're my best friend, and I lo-like you, a lot." He looked into my eyes as though he was pleading for an answer.  
  
"You better hurry Race, I don't want to keep you from your God."  
  
Race smiled at me slightly, "Please, just don't hurt yourself okay? I mean I don't know what I'd do if anything where to happen to you?"  
  
I smirked back at him, "What am I supposed to hurt myself with, eh? I mean you still have my knife, and I don't think my sling shot will work if I'm trying to shot myself."  
  
The church bells began to ring noon. Race was late to church. "Please just promise me that you won't do anything stupid."  
  
God, he's awful at trying to look okay when he's pleading like that. "Yeah, I guess I promise, Race."  
  
"Spot, do you really mean it?"  
  
"God, Higgins, I said I promise, now leave before I soak ya." I took a step toward him.  
  
He smiled slightly then backed off, "I guess the old Spot Conlon is finally back."  
  
I took another step towards Race before he ran towards his church. Man, was that strange or what? I mean what does he mean by 'I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to you.' I mean I know what he's do, he'd go crazy then force Jack to stop smoking because he might 'hurt himself'. Or he might sew Mouth's...um...mouth shut because whining isn't good for him.  
  
My smirk grew a little as I thought of little David Jacobs with his mouth sewn up. I turned to walk into the café.  
  
"Hey! I want a glass of milk and a sandwich." I yelled as I sat down in my usual chair. And yes, you heard it right. I, Spot Conlon, drink milk. But you know that doesn't make me any less threatening because you know what? Bulls drink it and they're threatening right? Or at least the animal ones are.  
  
Well, as I was still trying to convince myself that there is nothing sissy about drinking milk. The waiter came and set my food in front of me. "Don't eat it all at once kid." I glared at him before he quickly corrected himself, "Mr. Conlon, sir. I'm sorry it's just that I haven't seen you for a week...so, is your milk cold enough, sir?"  
  
"Yes, get out of my face Joe." I said. He quickly ran back behind the counter. Man, it's good to be feared. I picked up the glass to take a drink when something Race had said hit me like a ton of bricks, _'I lo-like you, a lot'_  
  
The glass dropped from my hands onto the floor and shattered, knocking me out of my current state of mind. "Don't worry, Joe. I'll pick it up." I yelled to the waiter.  
  
I leaned out of my chair when I caught something out of the corner of my eye. It was the sun reflecting off some of the glass, which meant a sharp edge. It was like some sort of sign from God or something telling me that I needed to cut. That Sunday was a day of rest, and that this was my way of resting.  
  
From the minute I picked up that piece of glass everything seemed to move in slow motion. I left the café, with the shard of glass held tight in my hand. I could already feel the blood starting to exit my skin. It felt so good that I could think of doing anything but cutting my arm again, but this time on the inside part of my arm, where it's easier to hide it.  
  
Once I got into the alley, I placed the piece of glass on my wrist and began to push it in. But the glass felt different from the smooth clean cut of the knife. I could instead feel the much thicker edge breaking as small pieces of glass mixed with the blood within my veins before it exited.  
  
But it felt different for another reason as well. Race. I had promised not to hurt myself, not to hurt him like this. For the first time it finally hit me why Race didn't want me to hurt myself... He cared about me to the point that it hurt him more than me. Although, I got to feel the freedom bleeding brought he say only the physical scars, and my loss of self-control.  
  
Race had been right all along; I wasn't the same Spot anymore. I wasn't even a shadow of my formal self. I was nothing. Nothing, but a whiny little boy who cut himself instead of facing his problems.  
  
I tried to pull the glass out of my wrist but I tripped and it went in farther, too far. My sense of freedom was replaced by fear. Fear that I wasn't going to be able to stop. 'Please,' I prayed to the God that I could only hope existed, 'Please help me.'  
  
The last thing I saw before it went black was Race's face, with a single tear passing over his left cheek.  
  
For the first time in my life, I had broken a promise. Now I really am nothing.  
  
_A/N: Whoa, now can you tell that it's different from everything else. Well, I think I'm going to boast the rating because it's so dark now, but I hope that won't change the meaning behind it. And now for Shout-outs:  
_  
Rannoch- _Whoa, I don't think I could've written that seven months ago. Well, it's very graphic isn't it? Well, I hope your Jack!Knife!Muse has started behaving.  
_  
Liams Kitten- _Sorry that it wasn't soon...but I updated that's worth something right? And lookie, it is very quickly become slash :'( Poor Race. Thanks for the review.  
_  
Thistle- _I'm glad to here that you liked it and I hope you liked this chapter. Well, Spot would've hit Race, but it's just that he doesn't have that kind of willpower anymore and he was kinda ashamed. Thanks for the review.  
_  
SpecsGlasses- _Wow, I'm starting to get good habits, I mean I've updated twice today. beams with pride Well, I hope you liked it. And can you get the hint that you need to update yet? Well, thanks for the review.  
_  
Obsessed wit' Aaron Lohr- _I like that quote little sis, very insightful for once. Well, I hope it didn't scare you that much. Thanks for the review.  
_  
SpotLover421- _Look I not only made it SLASH, but I also updated. Well, I hope you liked it even though it is very dark._  
  
Gryffin Parker- _Hehe, I think that right now I need to update like Just Fooling Around or something then I can get out of this really dark mood, ya know. Well, I'm glad you like it.  
_  
Saturday- _Sorry I made you wait so long for this chapter, it's just that I wasn't ready to write it back in December. Well, I hope you enjoyed it._


	4. Chapter 3: Tears

_A/N: I would like to thank all of my wonderful reviewers; this chapter is for all of you._

**Ascetic**

Chapter 3:

My wrist still hurt. I couldn't get to the point of opening my eyes; there was no point to wake up. What was I suppose to do? Go on living while I was still nothing? I slowly opened them, everything was still a bit blurry and I guess that almost dying would do that to me. I looked around the room slowly. I looked up to see a man hanging on a cross. I guess that I was in Race's church. A man dressed in black walked over to me, frowning.

"So, you finally decided to wake up? You know, I just barely managed to convince Anthony to go eat something. He's been sitting by your side for nearly two days now." He put on a forced smile.

"Why would he want to? I'm nothing. I lied to him, I don't deserve to live." I said, for the first time I was willing to admit it, I didn't want to live anymore. I had lied to the one person I loved... Wait, where'd that come from, love, I didn't even realize it before, I guess that I've just been to selfish to try to figure out why Race cared about me, and why lying to him hurt so much.

"Anthony really seems to care about you, even if you can't say the same thing about yourself." He quickly lost his fake smile as he helped me sit up. "My name is Father Kenson. Would you like to tell me why you had cut yourself?"

I stared at him blankly; I didn't want to explain myself to anyone, especially not someone that believed in drinking another person's blood. "I don't think I want to, where's Race?"

"I just told you he went to go eat something about five minutes ago, if you'd like I could see if Sister Anne would be willing to take you to him."

I shook my head, "I can find him by myself and I don't need anyone's help."

I tried to stand up, but my knees gave out on me. Father Kenson reached down to help me up, "You lost a lot of blood."

I placed my hands on the ground and began to force myself up, but I couldn't feel my wrist. I quickly sat down again and looked at my left wrist carefully. It was all pale, and a tight piece of cloth was tied slightly below my elbow. "What's wrong with my arm?"

Father Kenson looked to the ground, "We couldn't stop the bleeding with direct pressure, the doctor had to use a tourniquet."

I looked to my limp arm, "Is it going to be okay, I mean I can't feel it."

Father Kenson looked at me with some pity in his eyes, "I'll go find the doctor, he should be able to answer all of your questions."

I looked at him in fear. I'd never needed a doctor for my bleeding before; it had always bled for a few minutes then stopped. Father Kenson walked away from me shaking his head. I stayed sitting on the ground staring at my dead arm. I was still sitting there when Race returned to the room.

He quickly ran over and hugged me tightly. I could feel my shoulder get moist, Race was crying. "Race, I'm sorry."

I joined him in crying. It was the first time I'd cried in as long as I can remember.

Race tighten his grip, "It's okay, Alan. Just don't do it ever again okay?"

He was still crying. "Race, I..." I stopped. I couldn't say it; I guess that it was because I was afraid that I'd only hurt him again.

Race moved his head from my shoulder and looked at me, "You what Spot?"

'I love you' I thought bitterly, but I couldn't say it from my fear of him getting hurt. "I'm afraid." I mumbled.

Race reached his thumb to my face and whipped away my tears as he forced a smile, "It's going to be okay, Spot. I'm sure that the doctor will be able to help you."

I blushed a bit at our contact before swallowing my pride, "I'm not afraid of what's going to happen to me, Race. I'm afraid that I might hurt you; I don't want to see you cry Race. Never again, because..." I stopped.

Race's eyes searched my silently before I leaned in and placed my lips to his. I kissed him softly before pulling back from him a bit, still afraid that I was moving too fast, that I'd chase him off. But it was my first kiss, not that I'd ever tell anyone else that because everyone thinks that I'm a womanizer, but I've never really kissed anyone, at least not like that.

Race's lips moved into a smile, a real smile.

I smiled back as I looked at the ground blushing, "Because I love you, Higgins."

Race's smile grew as he leaned forward to kiss me. But our lips never met, he quickly stopped and looked up to the door. A man had just walked in, I guess that he was the doctor because Race walked over to him and started to whisper to him.

They talked for about half an hour before they both walked over to me. Race was crying again.

"What's wrong, Race?" I asked as Race put an arm around me and helped me back onto the pew. Race looked to the doctor, who took a deep breath. "What's wrong, Doctor, what's going to happen to me?"

"Alan, I'm afraid that..." He stopped he was unable to finish his sentence.

"Am I going to die, Doc?" I asked quickly, it was the only thing that my mind could come up with for his silence and Race's tears.

The doctor forced a laugh, "No, you will be fine, but I'm afraid your arm won't be able to say the same thing."

My hand quickly went over to my left wrist and held it. "Why not doctor?"

"You lost too much blood, I'm afraid we have to remove it, or... Or we might lose you too. You see you still have some glass stuck in your arm, and we can't remove all of it."

I nodded as I looked to Race. I promptly forced a smile, "I guess I get a new selling angle right, Higgins?"

Race laughed a little, "Yeah, but I don't think anyone will try to copy you."

I smirked, "And maybe Jack will have a chance at an even fight now that I won't have both arms."

The doctor smiled down at me, "I'll see you in the morning, Alan."

I nodded and he walked away. Race quickly grabbed my right hand and held it tight, "Spot?"

"What?" I asked looking into his beautiful brown eyes.

"I love you too." Race said blushing. I smiled as we kissed again.

Now with Race in my arms, I have to think that maybe I'm not nothing anymore. We stopped kissing and I looked at him again, "Thanks."

He smiled at me again as our lips met again.

_A/N: Wow, I really like that chapter, well there's only one more chapter left, so I guess that will be up once I get back from camp next week. I hope you like it, and please review._

_Spot!Muse: WOW! I'm so sissy now... How dare you make me sissy?_

_Race!Muse: Would you rather be sissy or dead?_

_Spot!Muse: Good point..._

_Well, now it's time for shout-outs:_

Obsessed with Aaron Lohr- _But Ani, dear, if Spot did die, he wouldn't be able to make the same mistake again either... Didn't you ever think of that? Well, I'm happy that you at least felt sorry for Race._

Saturday- _Nope, sorry to disappoint ya, but nothing horrible has happened to me... Lately at least. Hehe, I kinda liked the broken glass part, but I guess that it was a bit much, because it did make it so I had to bump up the rating. Well, look, it hasn't been a long wait this time. Well, thanks for the review._

Rannoch- _I will not make it more graphic! How dare you accuse me of such a thing? Well, Spot is an ass, and not the donkey kind. Hehe, I think everyone wants to kick Spot right now (mostly because he's down and he can't fight back) Well, I hope that JacktheKnife!Muse continues to behave. Thanks for the review Doll-face._

Liams Kitten- _Wow, you really kept grabbing your wrist, that's weird. Well, I think that you did smell some slash... But you know how can I not make this slash when it's just calling my name like that. Well, I don't think Spot was lucky enough to kill himself with a piece of glass... PLEASE! SAVE THE COW! IT'S NOT ITS FAULT THAT I'M LAZY!!! Well, thanks for the review._

SpecsGlasses- _It's fantastic? Wow, that makes me feel special... Well, I'm glad that you liked it. Does the '...' at the end of "I hope you update it soon..." Mean that you're going to update yours soon? Incase you can't tell I want you to. Well, thanks for the review._


	5. Chapter 4: After the Operation

**Ascetic**

Chapter 4:

I woke up the morning after my operation feeling like hell. I could feel pain in my left arm... I went to hold it, but it was gone. I jumped up looking at where my arm had once been. The doctor had been telling the truth, he really had cut off my arm.

I looked over to the side of the bed that the doctor let me stay in. Race was lying there, still asleep. I started to reach towards him with my remains of my left arm before stopping myself and stretching out my right hand to play with his hair.

After about five minutes later Race woke up with bags under his eyes. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

I smiled at him before removing my arm, "I'm feeling great, just kinda lopsided... How are you feeling? I mean you look like I feel."

Race smiled as he stood up and kissed my forehead. "I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep until I knew that you are alright."

My smile disappeared as I looked over to him again. "So, I guess this means that I'm going to have to tell my boys something..."

Race patted my head, "I don't know Spot. Your boys are from Brooklyn, they might not notice that you have lost your arm."

I glared at him as he stepped back, "That's not fair, Race. You're on my left arm so I can't even hit you!"

I stood up as I started to walk over to him. "I think I need to go sell my papes. I haven't done it for a while. And the people of Brooklyn will be missing me."

Race laughed as he rushed over to help me walk. "Sit down, and I'll go as the Doc if you can leave yet."

He started to walk away when I pulled him back. "I love you, Higgins." I pushed my lips up to his hungrily. He quickly started to kiss me back. Our hands started to roam all over. But then Race stopped.

"I need to go talk to the doc, Spot. I'll be back in a few minutes, please just sit down." Race said as he moved some hair out of my face. "And, I love you too."

He kissed me quickly as he ran out of the door.

I slowly started to walk over to the chair that Race had been sitting in earlier. I sat down staring at my stump of an arm. "I guess that it's never really going to be the same again..." I said quietly.

I was still staring when Race and the doctor walked in.

The doctor walked over to me, "So, Anthony here says that you says that you want to go home."

I nodded as I looked at Race again, "Yes sir, I need to sell some papers."

He laughed, "You know the Father paid for your surgery, he said that he couldn't stand to see such a bright soul as Anthony's be so dull."

I nodded, having no clue what the hell he was talking about.

Race looked over to the doctor, "So, can Alan leave yet?"

The doctor smiled, "I don't think I could force him to stay. But you keep an eye on him, Mr. Higgins. I don't want to remove anymore limbs."

I glared as Race smiled, "Yes sir. I'll do that sir."

The doctor smiled again at Race then at me, "Now hurry and get out of my face. AND I don't want to see either of you again."

We both nodded, "Yes sir."

We hurried out of the doctor's office smiling. My life was good again. I smiled as I grabbed Race's hand and we started to head towards Brooklyn, my home.

_Shout-Outs!_

Liams Kitten- _I know that it was really mean for me to make Spotty lose his arm, but it was kinda either that or kill him off... and I figured that you would be mad at me if I were to kill him... So I let him live without an arm instead. I don't think I've thought of how Spot is going to sell him papes now... Maybe he'll just have Racey hold them for him and act like each of his papes is the last one... ::pictures Spot doing Les's line to Medda and laughs:: Well, I hope that I may have saved the cow again, for good this time. I love to read your reviews, they always make me crack up._

Eagle Higgins-Conlon- _hehe, Gory always is good isn't it? Well, I'm so happy that you liked it. New reviewers make me happy. Well, thanks for the review._

SpecsGlasses- _You love my story? YAY! And you updated! Even bigger YAY! Well, I'm sorry that I made Spot make you cry. But look on the bright side, at least it doesn't make you laugh (because that would be kinda screwed up). Well, now onto the last shout-out then the last chapter._

Braids21- _Well, I hope "AW! i" means that you like it. Well thanks for the review._


	6. Epilogue: Happiness

**Ascetic**

Epilogue:

I remember that I once explained cutting as my religion. That it brought me true happiness. But I now know that I never knew what exactly true happiness was until I kissed Race for the first time.

I almost paid the ultimate price for my stupidity, my love. Although I regret ever cutting in the first place. If I could go back and change my mistake, I don't think I would. You see if I had never cut myself, I would have never discovered my feelings for Race, or his for me.

But now I am to the point that I can smile, really smile a true smile.

I know that I've made many mistakes in my life. But I guess that now I can only hope to live the rest of my life making it up to the boy I love.

The End

_A/N: Well, that's the end. I hope you all enjoyed it!_


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